Learning to Love Myself Again

She Strikes Again!

2009-07-21T20:30:00.001-07:00

I don't know what it is, but I feel like there is some mystical, cosmic connection between my writing professor and myself right now. I referenced her in a past post when she warned against the self-sabotaging nature of perfectionism. Last night, she did it again.

Though I can't recall the context exactly, her words still ring true. Her wisdom bestowed upon me last night: "We can't change people; we can only change ourselves." It was nothing new. Nothing of genius. Yet it was the constant reminder needed to keep me on my path of reflection and growth. It's funny how my ears perk up more for her anecdotal life lessons rather than for her writing expertise.

So what is the lesson here?

To stay the course. I still may not know the reason for the events in my life right now, but I know that I'm making some pretty decent progress.

Life is truly a trip...

I did it...

2009-07-19T21:06:00.001-07:00

I did something that I never thought I'd be able to do, and I don't know what struck me to do it but it just felt right.

Though I didn't say the "words" exactly, I took action to forgive somebody that hurt me a very long time ago. Someone whose actions cut so deeply that I have harbored so much hate that, I realize now, wound up turning into baggage.

I don't know if I expect to hear anything in return; I'm not entirely sure I want to hear anything in return. I guess I just want it to be done; to forget that it was ever a major issue in my life; to move past the crap that happened so long ago.

WHEW!!!

One less thing to let go of...

On I go.

Life's Little Coincidences

2009-07-14T06:24:00.000-07:00

It’s funny how life puts you in places at the exact moment that allows you to meet a person who’s going to be but a fleeting existence in your life, yet in that fleeting existence they can say the kind of thing that makes your ears perk up. (way horrid run-on sentence I know, but roll with it!)

That happened to me tonight.

I was sitting in class listening to our instructor take role, when she accused one of my classmates of being a perfectionist. When he responded in the affirmative, the following words came rolling off her tongue:

“Be careful with that. Perfectionism can lead to self-sabotage.”

Game. Set. Match.

It was as if she were talking to me, but looking at him. Unfortunately for me, self-sabotage has already sunk in.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always known I was a perfectionist. Hell, how do you go through high school and college maintaining practically straight As if you’re not? Fortunately, by the time I got to college, I learned how to ease up on myself and to accept a grade that was less than the As I was used to earning.

Unfortunately, it seems there are many areas of my perfectionism that I have yet to get a hold of.

As she continued to take role, I couldn’t help but think more about what it means to be a perfectionist and all the other characteristics that follow suit. Immediately, the thoughts were running through my mind. Concepts like control came to the forefront. Phrases like “I should,” or “I have to,” or “I’m not” – as in “I’m not normal if I don’t…” – flooded my brain. Scenarios of self-comparison to others stormed in at me from all angles: “she’s got a nicer butt…,” “they’re all married…,” “they’ve always got a significant other at home for Christmas…,” etc., etc., etc.

I wanted to lose it right there. Well, I practically did.

What on earth makes me think that I’m still not measuring up? Where on earth did things go wrong in my childhood that I was made to feel like I had to be better?

My dearest friend has said countless times that I need to be more competitive. Right…I need to be more competitive like I need a hole in the head. Really, though, I need some healthy competition is what I need. Not the kind that constantly sends me off in a million different directions comparing myself, my situations, my relationships to others. That has done nothing but kill everything – including me. I’ve killed myself! And all for what?

I’m miserable right now when I should be so happy with practically everything. Once again, I’m alive, I’m healthy, I’ve got a job, I’ve got a place to live, I can afford to eat, I’ve got a wide range of friends and family that would come running my way in a heartbeat if they knew I needed them that badly. So what is it that I’m so desperately lacking in?

Whatever it may be, it is time to face the consequences. It is time to acknowledge that my actions warranted less than favorable outcomes. And I have no one to blame but me.

I am not perfect. I never claimed to be. Yet so many people throughout my life have pegged me as being such. [Wait! Maybe that’s it! Maybe it’s because everyone always accused me of being perfect that I felt I really had to be! Maybe…more on this another time, perhaps] I was always the goodie-two-shoes in high school that chose not to drink while everyone else caved to fit in. I was always the favored grandchild that could do no wrong. I was put on a pedestal because I graduated from college magna cum laude. I warned people that one day, the rose colored glasses would come off.

That day has truly come.

Here I am world. It’s me, Amber Lea! Take me or leave me, but this is who I am.

Do I like that I get worked up over things that I shouldn’t? No. Do I like that I have a hard time assuaging my need for control? No. In fact, I’m recently coming to terms with the fact that I am a control-freak. But the fact that I’m just now realizing it is a good thing, right? It gives me a chance to acknowledge that this is who I am; to accept that, for right or wrong, I have issues with this; to realize that I am not perfect and know that I have something to work on.

If what you want is truly something of perfection, then I’m sorry, but it’s not me. Actually, I don’t know that anyone could ever find that. But if you can see me for what I am, for who I am, and realize that I know that this is who I am, can you muster up just a little more patience to see that I’m trying to overcome this? I am desperately working to overcome this! I am. But you know better than anyone else that coming to terms with your personal complications is a time-consuming matter; and that working towards overcoming – or perhaps just coming to acceptance and learning how to cope with them – is even more time-consuming. And not only that, it requires patience and understanding. I know this. I’ve seen it before. I’ve watched it in action and now I’m enduring it myself.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood…remember?

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

That was a load.

Help me find peace. Help me find clarity. Help me love myself.

Speaking of loving myself, I’m gonna do a little self-loving! I NAILED my presentation tonight! Not only did I have classmates singing my praises, but my instructor commended me twice – once to the large group and again individually. I am good at teaching. I am good in front of a crowd. I have found my niche and dammit I rock it! You should’ve seen me. They loved me. And you know what, I really loved me at the moment too.

For that 30 minutes or so, teaching that content was all that was on my mind. It was the clearest I’d thought all day – no distractions, no concerns, no self-doubt even. Well, that’s not entirely true…I wasn’t completely floored with my word choice throughout, but whatever. I am good. And the way I felt after it was over is the way I want to feel in every aspect of my life. I’m almost there. I am. Unfortunately, my frustration with the time it’s taking and the hoops I’ve had to jump through to get there are messing things up. Please see that. It’s not me…scratch that. It is me because I’ve let the situation take over. I’ve gone from being the “eternal optimist” I was once known as to a jaded complainer.

I’m tired of being that person. I’m tired of seeing the glass half full lately – my mom even called me out on that last week or so.

Please let this be a turning point. Please let this release the toxins that have consumed me for way too long. Please let that eternal optimist that got so bogged down by stress and health and relationship and financial issues come back out. I know she’s in there. I know she’s tired of being cooped up. And I know she’s ready to come out swinging. Please let today be that day she starts to fight her way back.

Amen.

Today's Song

2009-07-13T07:55:00.000-07:00

One of these days I'm gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days, I'll rise above me
And at last I'll find some peace
Then I'm gonna smile a little
Maybe even laugh a little but
One of these days I'm gonna love me
~Tim McGraw

Lesson #4

2009-07-13T07:15:00.000-07:00

Who am I kidding? Growing up stinks! It hurts. It's miserable. It involves risk and love and loss and trial and error and patience and tolerance and understanding and an ability to trust that what is meant to happen will happen; sometimes you may feel like you have a hand in it, but really it's pretty much out of our control.

I'm pretty sure I now understand why I've avoided this whole growing up process in general...

A Prayer for Me

Lord, arm me with the patience, courage, strength, and understanding to see this journey through. I know you have a plan for me. I surrender to you. I trust that you will lead me down whatever path it is I am meant to follow and that one day I will truly be able to look upon this all finding peace and understanding with the way it was.

Tell him I need him [yeah]
Tell him I love him [tell him]
And it'll be alright
Telll meeee I'll be alright be alright
Tell him tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It'll be alright

Reminders to Self

2009-07-13T07:02:00.000-07:00

1 Corinthians 13

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

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"Sometimes we have to do what we like the least to get what we want the most."
My Sister's Keeper, Jodi Picoult

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That which does not kill you makes you stronger

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When it comes to matters of forever, it's probably best to take one's time.

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I'll be ok. I'm stronger than I think I am. I can do this.

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Just breathe.

Lesson #3

2009-07-11T05:06:00.000-07:00

Jealousy is an ugly thing. It makes people do ugly things. Think ugly things. Say ugly things. Be ugly.

This is me. I'm finally owning up to it. I am a jealous person. They say that the first step to overcoming your problems is to admit it, right? Well, it's time to drop the act. Time to drop my veil of denial. Here is my official proclamation to the world.

Hi. My name is Amber Lea, and I am a jealous person.

Hello Amber Lea.

If I'm honest with myself, I've probably been a jealous person for as far back as I can remember. I've been jealous of those people who gained the attention of others by merely making them laugh. I've been jealous of people who've garnered the attention of the media for simply being born with those biological traits that give them an athletic edge. I've been jealous of my one older sibling who seemed to get all the glory for merely being born first. I've been jealous of people who turn heads because they are flirty or spontaneous or uber-laid back. I am jealous of these people still.

But why am I jealous? What is it about the above scenarios that has the green-eyed-monster licking its chops?

Right.

I see it.

Attention.

Every time a person successfully gained attention from others for making them laugh, or being "good," or flirty or whatnot, it has taken the attention away from me.

OH MY GOD!!! I'M A HIGH-MAINTENANCE, NEEDY, ATTENTION-STARVED WOMAN!!!

I am everything I have hated on others for being, in complete denial that I was, of course, all of those things.

Hi. My name is Amber Lea. [sighing; head hung in shame] And I am high-maintenance and seemingly attention-starved.

Hello Amber Lea.

I am ebarrassed. Ashamed. I apologize to everyone I very mistakenly proclaimed to that I was in no way, shape, or form any of these. I am appalled. I am ugly. I am human.

By why so jealous? Why in such need of attention?

Because clearly I still mysteriously sturggle from some issues of insecurity. Some nagging voice just won't go away, but rather plagues my mind with questions of self-worth; overanalyzing peoples' comments, looks, silences. Always worrying, assuming that I did something - or didn't do something - to warrant those reactions.

The end result? I have become animalistic. Like any other mother in the animal kingdom who goes on the defensive to keep her cubs safe from the threat of a predator or any male who charges another male who dares to tread onto his territory, I'm on the attack of some threat lurking somewhere. A threat to me personally; a threat to lure away the attention of something once belonging to me; a threat to take that something away from me; a threat to render me helpless, alone.

But is it all real or just perceived? That is the true question.

Regardless of the answer, it is what has led to my demise. I have tried to protect, protect, protect myself so much that I became obsessed: jumping at any rustling of a bush; baring my teeth at some distant howling in the night; swiping my claws at some innocent, misguided traveler who stumbled upon my path.

And all for what?

To push people away, that's what. I've spent so much unnecessary time and energy trying to protect myself from getting hurt that I've done nothing but hurt myself. I've pushed away friends, significant others, loved ones because I have been afraid of the perceived threat of getting hurt. It's happened before to me, so it's bound to happen again, right?

Wrong!

Get over it!

You're wonderful and funny and lovable and people like being around you and want to be around you and want you to love yourself so they can love you too!

People want to love you, but you make it really hard sometimes. And scary even.

Hi. My name is Amber Lea. [sobbing] And I don't truly love myself.

Hi Amber Lea. We love you. It's ok to love yourself.

I might need some help learning to love myself again...

Stuck

2009-07-10T05:31:00.000-07:00

Can't seem to get this one out of my head...

Never can say goodbye
No no no no, I
Never can say goodbye

Even though the pain and heartache
Seems to follow me wherever I go
Though I try and try to hide my feelings
They always seem to show
Then you try to say you're leaving me
And I always have to say no...

Tell me why
Is it so

That I
Never can say goodbye
No no no no, I
Never can say goodbye

Evertime I think I had enough
I start heading for the door
There's a very strange vibration
That pierces me right to the core
It says turn around you fool
You know you love her more and more

Tell me why
Is it so
Don't wanna let yo go

I keep thinkin that our problems
Soon are all gonna work out
But there's that same unhappy feeling and there's that anguish, there's that doubt
*It's that same old dizzy hang up
*Can't live with you or without

Tell me why
Is it so
Don't wanna let you go

The Little Things

2009-07-07T11:48:00.000-07:00

They're either the greatest things in life - those most simple, basic, often overlooked aspects of life we tend to take for granted - or the greatest cause of involuntary stress in my life.

Why is it that the littlest things get to me? Is it that I let them or is it really out of my control?

Which ultimately begs the question: Why do I feel so compelled to be in such control? Am I really so afraid of not being in control? Is the act or feeling of being in control really worth the stress that often ensues when I'm not?

To that final question, I can certainly say it is NOT worth the stress. It is not worth the uncomfortable tingly feeling that courses through my body - that fight-or-flight sensation that gets my heart thumping, my blood pressure soaring, and my head spinning off on a downward spiral of irrational thinking.

Knowing that as I do, why can't I let myself just let go of things that I know are out of my control? Were some events in my past really so traumatic that I can no longer trust myself - and that which goes on around me - to continue going on without my having some "say" in the order of things? If the answer to this question is yes, then I'm ready! I'm ready to let go of what may have happened in the past. I want control of me back. I don't want to stress out about unnecessary things - things that truly have nothing to do with me. I want to let go. I need to let go. It is ok to let go.

Is that it? Do I need to give myself permission to let go? Do I need to give myself permission to be happy?

I know I've dealt with some crap in the past. I know it does no good to dwell on the crap that happened in the past. And while, subconsciously, I may not have made complete peace with that crap, I'm ready to let it go. I'm ready to forget.

But wait...must one truly forgive before they can forget as the cliche goes?

If so...I forgive them. I forgive them for their immaturity; for the decisions they made; for their selfishness; for making me cry; for making me question myself; for making me blame myself; for making me hate myself.

I forgive them for hurting me.

I FORGIVE THEM!

Now please, let me be done with it. Let me be ok with me and what happens around me. I cannot control the decisions other people make. I cannot control the things that other people do. All I can do is control the decisions I make; the things I do.

I hereby relinquish my need for control.

Seek first to understand...

2009-07-06T07:25:00.000-07:00

then to be understood.

This is one of Steven Covey's seven habits of highly effective people, and it randomly popped in my head this morning. Interesting how the mind works!

Though random, it is not a completely new phenomenon to me. I've heard it before. I've considered it before. But it wasn't until this morning that I thought about it in a whole new light.

What I realized about this habit today is the sheer magnitude of unselfishness that it requires in order to truly come to fruition. Furthermore, it has made me realize how truly selfish I have been - and continue to be - at this stage in my life.

Strike that. I know I am a selfish person and have become increasingly more selfish with such things as my time and energy in the past couple years. But each one of us in entitled to be just a little selfish now and again, right? My question, then, is at what point does selfishness cross the line between virtue and vice? How long do we hold out to reach understanding? What happens if it never comes?

While I do not expect any concrete answers to such questions, I am left with the following thought:

Good things come to those who wait.

If that saying does hold true, I better wind up a millionaire, living the happiest existence a person could imagine, with the person of my dreams! :P

Oh, it's fun to dream...

The Power of Music

2009-07-06T06:51:00.000-07:00

Why is it that we - or perhaps I - become more keenly aware of song lyrics during turning points in life? Since the passing of Michael Jackson, I've taken some comfort in and am really trying to tap into some motivation from "Man in the Mirror." But yesterday as I was sitting by the pool listening to my iPod, OAR's "Shattered" came on and it really struck a chord. I've always liked the song, and I have known most of the words, but something about it yesterday really resonated with me. Here are the lyrics for your own pleasure:

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around

Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around

While the whole song speaks to me - and all the many ways it can be interpreted - it's the bolded lines above that really hit home. I don't believe I am completely faking life right now, though I do believe that it is a part of the coping process - for any situation. Hell, "fake it til you make it" used to me my motto, and it got me through some trying situations. But eventually the need to "fake it" subsided. I learned how to be me...and now it's time to learn how to be me again.

I'm tired of going through these cycles of faking and realness.

If only I could just snap my fingers...

Lesson #2

2009-07-04T13:22:00.000-07:00

Discomfort is a bitch. I wish I were the kind of person that loved new experiences - the kind of person who willingly walked into new situations and just put herself out there. Those kinds of people are fun. I'm really a little envious of them right now. And guess what...I used to be that kind of person. Well sort of. And big surprise...guess when that was?? Yup, college.

That was then...this is now. But what has changed?

A lot, I suppose.

In college, I was constantly surrounded by people I knew, people I felt safe around, people who would do anything to make sure that I didn't get hurt - or hurt myself. That's why I could be the person I was then. I had a constant safety net, a set crew of people I could look to for quick verification before testing the waters.

That was then...this is now. Times change. People grow up and move on. My cord has been cut.

But not completely severed. And that's what I have to constantly remind myself of. Just because the people I once relied on for support, confidence, and reassurance are no longer within eyesight or reaching distance doesn't mean they're not there at all. I'm not alone. I don't have to pretend that I am or prove that I can make it alone. But I can't expect them to just intuitively know when I need them either.

It's time I let go of the self-preservation act. It's time to stop thinking that I am better off keeping to myself or that it's ok to just let friendships dissipate. I'm not. And it is definitely not ok to continue on this way.

Today is the day I challenge myself to do one new thing everyday.

Lesson #1

2009-07-02T06:38:00.000-07:00

I am a piece of work. Pretty ridiculous, even.

For the past few days I’ve been fighting off feelings of self-pity, worthlessness, and failure. I’ve been so focused on what I don’t have that I lost sight of what I do have. Why is it that when one little thing goes “wrong” in life, we suddenly forget all that continues to go right? I mean, to an outsider looking in, I pretty much do have everything going for me: I’m young, fit, attractive, healthy, alive! I have a great family and great friends, a job, a college degree, a vision for my career, a roof over my head. I have no reason to sulk! But wait…I’m an overachiever. If I don’t have what other people have, then that must mean I’m not measuring up, right?

Wrong.

It finally dawned on me last night that life is not a contest. I repeat – more for my own benefit than anything else – LIFE IS NOT A CONTEST!!! No one is pointing fingers at me for not being in my career yet or being married or paying a mortgage. In fact, people are praising me and my current place in life. They are telling me that I’m smart for pursuing the education that I am now; that at least I know what I want to do with the rest of my life, and that what I want to do actually means something to this world; that I’m wise for not settling down so young. So why on earth am I being so hard on myself?

Oh, right…fact #8: I am too hard on myself.

It’s high time I give myself a break. It’s high time I start acknowledging what I do have. It’s high time I start acting a little more grateful because if I don’t, then I surely don’t deserve to have all that I do.

Turtles

2009-06-30T07:36:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of days I have started to wear a necklace with a turtle pendant that my friend brought me back from her trip to China a few years ago. I began wearing it again, primarily, because it reminded me of my friend and her positive energy and strength of character. The more I thought about it, the more I vaguely remember her telling me that there was symbolic meaning of the turtle in the Chinese culture. What the symbolism was, I could not recall; so I put my googling skills to work.

Here is what I found:

The Symbolic Meaning of the Turtle

Sea turtles are more ancient than any other vertebrate animal: they watched the dinosaurs evolve and even become extinct. They survived the Earth's ages of ice and continue to flourish.

Through the ages and cultures, turtles have many meanings. Some believe the turtle is the symbol of the primal mother and connected to the lunar cycle.

In the Far East it was believed the shell was a symbol of heaven and the square underside was a symbol of earth. The turtle could help you unite heaven and earth within your own life.

Ancient myths describe the world as resting on the turtle's back.

Others believe the turtle is associated with longevity, great age, and wisdom.

The turtle naturally withdraws and goes within when in turmoil. It does not need to learn the importance of this, it naturally knows.

The turtle's whole life is one of steadfastness of effort and patience. Slow and steady: A life of 'non-doing'. There is a saying "home is where the heart is". The turtle is always at home within itself.

May we learn from these ancient creatures.

http://www.lifebalance.org/institute/turtle.shtml

and...

TURTLE is Symbol of Longevity and Heaven's Blessings. Turtles seem to possess an enviable and god-like resistance to aging and Represents Long Life. The Turtle is a Symbol of Good Fortune and is a positive omen bringing 10,000 years of happiness. The turtle carries the world on its back. This is a symbol of fertility, vitality, and great patience. The Chinese believed these animals foretold future events. The Turtle protects by teaching the family to protect themselves. She brings the blessings of heaven to the home. Turtle symbolizes both the stability of earth energy, and the magical mysteries of heaven. It is a Symbol of Good Luck, LOVE and Health.

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_symbolic_meaning_of_a_turtle

I've never been superstitious or prone to subscribing to ancient beliefs, yet this is one that I think I'll hold onto. I'll take any positive omens, wisdom, or good luck this little turtle wants to send my way! And if nothing else, it'll be a constant reminder of the value of effort and patience. If the turtle can outlast the dinosaur, I can outlast whatever it is that comes my way.

Things happen for a reason. I've always believed this to be true. Clearly it will take time and patience to find the reason behind the rollercoaster ride I've been on. At least I've got my little turtle to carry me through!

Serenity Prayer

2009-06-29T08:25:00.000-07:00

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Letting Go

2009-06-28T16:57:00.000-07:00

Now this is my greatest problem because, to me, letting go means giving up and giving up is twofold. On the one hand, it requires me to relinquish any sense of control I may have once had over a situation, thus letting things to chance; on the other hand it implies quitting and I am not a quitter. But maybe learning to let go is part of the growing up process. I read in a book once that sometimes we have to do what we like the least to get what we want the most. So much truth in such fiction. It’s a tough pill to swallow, indeed, and one that leaves me with a huge pit in my stomach. It’s scary to let things to chance. I am not a gambler, but I guess it’s the risk we all have to take at some point in our lives or another.

Here’s to letting things take their course…

The Facts

2009-06-28T08:35:00.000-07:00

Running backwards is a term my friend uses when describing track runners who begin a race full steam only to be swallowed up by the rest of the pack when that steam begins to run out three-quarters of the way through. Though I am the furthest thing from a track runner one could imagine, that same term applies to my current place in life.

In college, I had everything going for me: a solid group of friends, a vision for the future, confidence to do nearly anything. In fact, one of my college girlfriends told me that I was always the "confident one" in the bunch. How the tides have turned; she is now the one I look at as having it all put together. She, like the rest of my core group of college friends, has truly advanced onto the next stage of her life; she is successfully established in her career and married. Not that the latter is essential to begin happy; I guess I've always seen it as one of those life markers that suggest you've "grown up."

You see, that is what this is all about: I DESPERATELY WANT TO GROW UP!!! I just don't know how. I mean, I refer to myself as a woman in the description of my blog, yet I barely feel like more than a girl - and my (re)actions to certain situations only lend further evidence to support my feelings.

I'm 26 years old, so by "definition" I'm a woman. Yet I'm still in college trying to get my career started. Ever since I finished my undergrad degree, I've joked that I'm a pretend adult living in limbo. For the past four years, I've been working jobs that have provided precisely the kind of life experiences to help solidify my current career plans. Yet, I'm still a good year away from beginning my career. In reality, there's nothing wrong with that; plenty of people begin their careers late in life and switch careers multiple times throughout their adulthood. What perplexes me about my situation is that it just feels like everyone has passed me by.

But it does me no good to dwell on the negative or continue comparing my situation to those of my friends. Rather, it's time to focus on the positive - to rebuild the confidence in myself that is so mysteriously lacking right now. So, here they are.

The facts:
1) I am talented: academically, athletically, interpersonally
2) I have a job that I am good at and genuinely validated in
3) I am one year away from beginning my career - there is a light at the end of the tunnel
4) I am loved - by family, friends, colleagues, the students I help
5) I am lovable - people see me for the person I am and are willing to forgive my flaws
6) I am flawed. I am not perfect; I never have been and never will be.
7) I will overcome my flaws - or die trying - especially those that are creating obstacles within current relationships
8) I am too hard on myself. Period.
9) I am strong, but not as strong as everyone likes to think I am
10) I am human and, for right or wrong, I experience human emotions.
11) I am patient - some might even suggest too patient
12) I am sexy
13) I am funny - a lot funnier, in fact, when I'm not trying to be
14) I want what everyone wants: to be happy. I deserve to be happy, but I tend to be happiest when those around me are happy.
15) I need to find happiness within myself if I ever expect to be truly happy.

To be continued...

It's on

2009-06-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

I have heard two things about writing: 1) it's therapeutic and 2) it helps to ensure that you'll do the things you say you will. The latter is my primary reason for beginning this "journey." Well, that and one of my very dearest friends has been trying to get me to do this for months now. I always argued with him saying that I didn't have anything to write about. Though that may be true, reality is showing me that I have a whole lot of things I can reflect upon.

The title of this journey, Growing Pains, alludes to much of the matter upon which I will be reflecting. Though I always thought I was strong enough to avoid the "quarter-life crisis" that so many young adults experience, I have found myself stuck right in the thick of one. That's right, I've been stuck for a while now - stuck in a spiral of insecurities and contradictions. Though clearly destructive to me as an individual, it has been equally destructive to the person that I love with every fiber of my being - who, for heaven only knows why, continues to love me in return. While this may sound cliche, he is the person who makes me want to be better; he is the one who truly believes in all that I can be; he is the person I admire more than anyone in this world.

So, in my great tradition of catching onto trends well after the rest of society (i.e. fashion, technology, etc.), I begin this journey to become the woman that I want to be: strong, confident, independent, full of life. I know I will get there; I've been many of these things once before - plenty of people have told me so. I cannot wait to find that person back.