Turtles

For the past couple of days I have started to wear a necklace with a turtle pendant that my friend brought me back from her trip to China a few years ago. I began wearing it again, primarily, because it reminded me of my friend and her positive energy and strength of character. The more I thought about it, the more I vaguely remember her telling me that there was symbolic meaning of the turtle in the Chinese culture. What the symbolism was, I could not recall; so I put my googling skills to work.

Here is what I found:

The Symbolic Meaning of the Turtle

Sea turtles are more ancient than any other vertebrate animal: they watched the dinosaurs evolve and even become extinct. They survived the Earth's ages of ice and continue to flourish.

Through the ages and cultures, turtles have many meanings. Some believe the turtle is the symbol of the primal mother and connected to the lunar cycle.

In the Far East it was believed the shell was a symbol of heaven and the square underside was a symbol of earth. The turtle could help you unite heaven and earth within your own life.

Ancient myths describe the world as resting on the turtle's back.

Others believe the turtle is associated with longevity, great age, and wisdom.

The turtle naturally withdraws and goes within when in turmoil. It does not need to learn the importance of this, it naturally knows.

The turtle's whole life is one of steadfastness of effort and patience. Slow and steady: A life of 'non-doing'. There is a saying "home is where the heart is". The turtle is always at home within itself.

May we learn from these ancient creatures.

http://www.lifebalance.org/institute/turtle.shtml

and...

TURTLE is Symbol of Longevity and Heaven's Blessings. Turtles seem to possess an enviable and god-like resistance to aging and Represents Long Life. The Turtle is a Symbol of Good Fortune and is a positive omen bringing 10,000 years of happiness. The turtle carries the world on its back. This is a symbol of fertility, vitality, and great patience. The Chinese believed these animals foretold future events. The Turtle protects by teaching the family to protect themselves. She brings the blessings of heaven to the home. Turtle symbolizes both the stability of earth energy, and the magical mysteries of heaven. It is a Symbol of Good Luck, LOVE and Health.

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_symbolic_meaning_of_a_turtle

I've never been superstitious or prone to subscribing to ancient beliefs, yet this is one that I think I'll hold onto. I'll take any positive omens, wisdom, or good luck this little turtle wants to send my way! And if nothing else, it'll be a constant reminder of the value of effort and patience. If the turtle can outlast the dinosaur, I can outlast whatever it is that comes my way.

Things happen for a reason. I've always believed this to be true. Clearly it will take time and patience to find the reason behind the rollercoaster ride I've been on. At least I've got my little turtle to carry me through!

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Letting Go

Now this is my greatest problem because, to me, letting go means giving up and giving up is twofold. On the one hand, it requires me to relinquish any sense of control I may have once had over a situation, thus letting things to chance; on the other hand it implies quitting and I am not a quitter. But maybe learning to let go is part of the growing up process. I read in a book once that sometimes we have to do what we like the least to get what we want the most. So much truth in such fiction. It’s a tough pill to swallow, indeed, and one that leaves me with a huge pit in my stomach. It’s scary to let things to chance. I am not a gambler, but I guess it’s the risk we all have to take at some point in our lives or another.

Here’s to letting things take their course…

The Facts

Running backwards is a term my friend uses when describing track runners who begin a race full steam only to be swallowed up by the rest of the pack when that steam begins to run out three-quarters of the way through. Though I am the furthest thing from a track runner one could imagine, that same term applies to my current place in life.

In college, I had everything going for me: a solid group of friends, a vision for the future, confidence to do nearly anything. In fact, one of my college girlfriends told me that I was always the "confident one" in the bunch. How the tides have turned; she is now the one I look at as having it all put together. She, like the rest of my core group of college friends, has truly advanced onto the next stage of her life; she is successfully established in her career and married. Not that the latter is essential to begin happy; I guess I've always seen it as one of those life markers that suggest you've "grown up."

You see, that is what this is all about: I DESPERATELY WANT TO GROW UP!!! I just don't know how. I mean, I refer to myself as a woman in the description of my blog, yet I barely feel like more than a girl - and my (re)actions to certain situations only lend further evidence to support my feelings.

I'm 26 years old, so by "definition" I'm a woman. Yet I'm still in college trying to get my career started. Ever since I finished my undergrad degree, I've joked that I'm a pretend adult living in limbo. For the past four years, I've been working jobs that have provided precisely the kind of life experiences to help solidify my current career plans. Yet, I'm still a good year away from beginning my career. In reality, there's nothing wrong with that; plenty of people begin their careers late in life and switch careers multiple times throughout their adulthood. What perplexes me about my situation is that it just feels like everyone has passed me by.

But it does me no good to dwell on the negative or continue comparing my situation to those of my friends. Rather, it's time to focus on the positive - to rebuild the confidence in myself that is so mysteriously lacking right now. So, here they are.

The facts:
1) I am talented: academically, athletically, interpersonally
2) I have a job that I am good at and genuinely validated in
3) I am one year away from beginning my career - there is a light at the end of the tunnel
4) I am loved - by family, friends, colleagues, the students I help
5) I am lovable - people see me for the person I am and are willing to forgive my flaws
6) I am flawed. I am not perfect; I never have been and never will be.
7) I will overcome my flaws - or die trying - especially those that are creating obstacles within current relationships
8) I am too hard on myself. Period.
9) I am strong, but not as strong as everyone likes to think I am
10) I am human and, for right or wrong, I experience human emotions.
11) I am patient - some might even suggest too patient
12) I am sexy
13) I am funny - a lot funnier, in fact, when I'm not trying to be
14) I want what everyone wants: to be happy. I deserve to be happy, but I tend to be happiest when those around me are happy.
15) I need to find happiness within myself if I ever expect to be truly happy.

To be continued...

It's on

I have heard two things about writing: 1) it's therapeutic and 2) it helps to ensure that you'll do the things you say you will. The latter is my primary reason for beginning this "journey." Well, that and one of my very dearest friends has been trying to get me to do this for months now. I always argued with him saying that I didn't have anything to write about. Though that may be true, reality is showing me that I have a whole lot of things I can reflect upon.

The title of this journey, Growing Pains, alludes to much of the matter upon which I will be reflecting. Though I always thought I was strong enough to avoid the "quarter-life crisis" that so many young adults experience, I have found myself stuck right in the thick of one. That's right, I've been stuck for a while now - stuck in a spiral of insecurities and contradictions. Though clearly destructive to me as an individual, it has been equally destructive to the person that I love with every fiber of my being - who, for heaven only knows why, continues to love me in return. While this may sound cliche, he is the person who makes me want to be better; he is the one who truly believes in all that I can be; he is the person I admire more than anyone in this world.

So, in my great tradition of catching onto trends well after the rest of society (i.e. fashion, technology, etc.), I begin this journey to become the woman that I want to be: strong, confident, independent, full of life. I know I will get there; I've been many of these things once before - plenty of people have told me so. I cannot wait to find that person back.