The Little Things

They're either the greatest things in life - those most simple, basic, often overlooked aspects of life we tend to take for granted - or the greatest cause of involuntary stress in my life.

Why is it that the littlest things get to me? Is it that I let them or is it really out of my control?

Which ultimately begs the question: Why do I feel so compelled to be in such control? Am I really so afraid of not being in control? Is the act or feeling of being in control really worth the stress that often ensues when I'm not?

To that final question, I can certainly say it is NOT worth the stress. It is not worth the uncomfortable tingly feeling that courses through my body - that fight-or-flight sensation that gets my heart thumping, my blood pressure soaring, and my head spinning off on a downward spiral of irrational thinking.

Knowing that as I do, why can't I let myself just let go of things that I know are out of my control? Were some events in my past really so traumatic that I can no longer trust myself - and that which goes on around me - to continue going on without my having some "say" in the order of things? If the answer to this question is yes, then I'm ready! I'm ready to let go of what may have happened in the past. I want control of me back. I don't want to stress out about unnecessary things - things that truly have nothing to do with me. I want to let go. I need to let go. It is ok to let go.

Is that it? Do I need to give myself permission to let go? Do I need to give myself permission to be happy?

I know I've dealt with some crap in the past. I know it does no good to dwell on the crap that happened in the past. And while, subconsciously, I may not have made complete peace with that crap, I'm ready to let it go. I'm ready to forget.

But wait...must one truly forgive before they can forget as the cliche goes?

If so...I forgive them. I forgive them for their immaturity; for the decisions they made; for their selfishness; for making me cry; for making me question myself; for making me blame myself; for making me hate myself.

I forgive them for hurting me.

I FORGIVE THEM!

Now please, let me be done with it. Let me be ok with me and what happens around me. I cannot control the decisions other people make. I cannot control the things that other people do. All I can do is control the decisions I make; the things I do.

I hereby relinquish my need for control.