It’s funny how life puts you in places at the exact moment that allows you to meet a person who’s going to be but a fleeting existence in your life, yet in that fleeting existence they can say the kind of thing that makes your ears perk up. (way horrid run-on sentence I know, but roll with it!)
That happened to me tonight.
I was sitting in class listening to our instructor take role, when she accused one of my classmates of being a perfectionist. When he responded in the affirmative, the following words came rolling off her tongue:
“Be careful with that. Perfectionism can lead to self-sabotage.”
Game. Set. Match.
It was as if she were talking to me, but looking at him. Unfortunately for me, self-sabotage has already sunk in.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always known I was a perfectionist. Hell, how do you go through high school and college maintaining practically straight As if you’re not? Fortunately, by the time I got to college, I learned how to ease up on myself and to accept a grade that was less than the As I was used to earning.
Unfortunately, it seems there are many areas of my perfectionism that I have yet to get a hold of.
As she continued to take role, I couldn’t help but think more about what it means to be a perfectionist and all the other characteristics that follow suit. Immediately, the thoughts were running through my mind. Concepts like control came to the forefront. Phrases like “I should,” or “I have to,” or “I’m not” – as in “I’m not normal if I don’t…” – flooded my brain. Scenarios of self-comparison to others stormed in at me from all angles: “she’s got a nicer butt…,” “they’re all married…,” “they’ve always got a significant other at home for Christmas…,” etc., etc., etc.
I wanted to lose it right there. Well, I practically did.
What on earth makes me think that I’m still not measuring up? Where on earth did things go wrong in my childhood that I was made to feel like I had to be better?
My dearest friend has said countless times that I need to be more competitive. Right…I need to be more competitive like I need a hole in the head. Really, though, I need some healthy competition is what I need. Not the kind that constantly sends me off in a million different directions comparing myself, my situations, my relationships to others. That has done nothing but kill everything – including me. I’ve killed myself! And all for what?
I’m miserable right now when I should be so happy with practically everything. Once again, I’m alive, I’m healthy, I’ve got a job, I’ve got a place to live, I can afford to eat, I’ve got a wide range of friends and family that would come running my way in a heartbeat if they knew I needed them that badly. So what is it that I’m so desperately lacking in?
Whatever it may be, it is time to face the consequences. It is time to acknowledge that my actions warranted less than favorable outcomes. And I have no one to blame but me.
I am not perfect. I never claimed to be. Yet so many people throughout my life have pegged me as being such. [Wait! Maybe that’s it! Maybe it’s because everyone always accused me of being perfect that I felt I really had to be! Maybe…more on this another time, perhaps] I was always the goodie-two-shoes in high school that chose not to drink while everyone else caved to fit in. I was always the favored grandchild that could do no wrong. I was put on a pedestal because I graduated from college magna cum laude. I warned people that one day, the rose colored glasses would come off.
That day has truly come.
Here I am world. It’s me, Amber Lea! Take me or leave me, but this is who I am.
Do I like that I get worked up over things that I shouldn’t? No. Do I like that I have a hard time assuaging my need for control? No. In fact, I’m recently coming to terms with the fact that I am a control-freak. But the fact that I’m just now realizing it is a good thing, right? It gives me a chance to acknowledge that this is who I am; to accept that, for right or wrong, I have issues with this; to realize that I am not perfect and know that I have something to work on.
If what you want is truly something of perfection, then I’m sorry, but it’s not me. Actually, I don’t know that anyone could ever find that. But if you can see me for what I am, for who I am, and realize that I know that this is who I am, can you muster up just a little more patience to see that I’m trying to overcome this? I am desperately working to overcome this! I am. But you know better than anyone else that coming to terms with your personal complications is a time-consuming matter; and that working towards overcoming – or perhaps just coming to acceptance and learning how to cope with them – is even more time-consuming. And not only that, it requires patience and understanding. I know this. I’ve seen it before. I’ve watched it in action and now I’m enduring it myself.
Seek first to understand, then to be understood…remember?
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
That was a load.
Help me find peace. Help me find clarity. Help me love myself.
Speaking of loving myself, I’m gonna do a little self-loving! I NAILED my presentation tonight! Not only did I have classmates singing my praises, but my instructor commended me twice – once to the large group and again individually. I am good at teaching. I am good in front of a crowd. I have found my niche and dammit I rock it! You should’ve seen me. They loved me. And you know what, I really loved me at the moment too.
For that 30 minutes or so, teaching that content was all that was on my mind. It was the clearest I’d thought all day – no distractions, no concerns, no self-doubt even. Well, that’s not entirely true…I wasn’t completely floored with my word choice throughout, but whatever. I am good. And the way I felt after it was over is the way I want to feel in every aspect of my life. I’m almost there. I am. Unfortunately, my frustration with the time it’s taking and the hoops I’ve had to jump through to get there are messing things up. Please see that. It’s not me…scratch that. It is me because I’ve let the situation take over. I’ve gone from being the “eternal optimist” I was once known as to a jaded complainer.
I’m tired of being that person. I’m tired of seeing the glass half full lately – my mom even called me out on that last week or so.
Please let this be a turning point. Please let this release the toxins that have consumed me for way too long. Please let that eternal optimist that got so bogged down by stress and health and relationship and financial issues come back out. I know she’s in there. I know she’s tired of being cooped up. And I know she’s ready to come out swinging. Please let today be that day she starts to fight her way back.
Amen.
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