Lesson #3

Jealousy is an ugly thing. It makes people do ugly things. Think ugly things. Say ugly things. Be ugly.

This is me. I'm finally owning up to it. I am a jealous person. They say that the first step to overcoming your problems is to admit it, right? Well, it's time to drop the act. Time to drop my veil of denial. Here is my official proclamation to the world.

Hi. My name is Amber Lea, and I am a jealous person.

Hello Amber Lea.

If I'm honest with myself, I've probably been a jealous person for as far back as I can remember. I've been jealous of those people who gained the attention of others by merely making them laugh. I've been jealous of people who've garnered the attention of the media for simply being born with those biological traits that give them an athletic edge. I've been jealous of my one older sibling who seemed to get all the glory for merely being born first. I've been jealous of people who turn heads because they are flirty or spontaneous or uber-laid back. I am jealous of these people still.

But why am I jealous? What is it about the above scenarios that has the green-eyed-monster licking its chops?

Right.

I see it.

Attention.

Every time a person successfully gained attention from others for making them laugh, or being "good," or flirty or whatnot, it has taken the attention away from me.

OH MY GOD!!! I'M A HIGH-MAINTENANCE, NEEDY, ATTENTION-STARVED WOMAN!!!

I am everything I have hated on others for being, in complete denial that I was, of course, all of those things.

Hi. My name is Amber Lea. [sighing; head hung in shame] And I am high-maintenance and seemingly attention-starved.

Hello Amber Lea.

I am ebarrassed. Ashamed. I apologize to everyone I very mistakenly proclaimed to that I was in no way, shape, or form any of these. I am appalled. I am ugly. I am human.

By why so jealous? Why in such need of attention?

Because clearly I still mysteriously sturggle from some issues of insecurity. Some nagging voice just won't go away, but rather plagues my mind with questions of self-worth; overanalyzing peoples' comments, looks, silences. Always worrying, assuming that I did something - or didn't do something - to warrant those reactions.

The end result? I have become animalistic. Like any other mother in the animal kingdom who goes on the defensive to keep her cubs safe from the threat of a predator or any male who charges another male who dares to tread onto his territory, I'm on the attack of some threat lurking somewhere. A threat to me personally; a threat to lure away the attention of something once belonging to me; a threat to take that something away from me; a threat to render me helpless, alone.

But is it all real or just perceived? That is the true question.

Regardless of the answer, it is what has led to my demise. I have tried to protect, protect, protect myself so much that I became obsessed: jumping at any rustling of a bush; baring my teeth at some distant howling in the night; swiping my claws at some innocent, misguided traveler who stumbled upon my path.

And all for what?

To push people away, that's what. I've spent so much unnecessary time and energy trying to protect myself from getting hurt that I've done nothing but hurt myself. I've pushed away friends, significant others, loved ones because I have been afraid of the perceived threat of getting hurt. It's happened before to me, so it's bound to happen again, right?

Wrong!

Get over it!

You're wonderful and funny and lovable and people like being around you and want to be around you and want you to love yourself so they can love you too!

People want to love you, but you make it really hard sometimes. And scary even.

Hi. My name is Amber Lea. [sobbing] And I don't truly love myself.

Hi Amber Lea. We love you. It's ok to love yourself.

I might need some help learning to love myself again...