The Facts

Running backwards is a term my friend uses when describing track runners who begin a race full steam only to be swallowed up by the rest of the pack when that steam begins to run out three-quarters of the way through. Though I am the furthest thing from a track runner one could imagine, that same term applies to my current place in life.

In college, I had everything going for me: a solid group of friends, a vision for the future, confidence to do nearly anything. In fact, one of my college girlfriends told me that I was always the "confident one" in the bunch. How the tides have turned; she is now the one I look at as having it all put together. She, like the rest of my core group of college friends, has truly advanced onto the next stage of her life; she is successfully established in her career and married. Not that the latter is essential to begin happy; I guess I've always seen it as one of those life markers that suggest you've "grown up."

You see, that is what this is all about: I DESPERATELY WANT TO GROW UP!!! I just don't know how. I mean, I refer to myself as a woman in the description of my blog, yet I barely feel like more than a girl - and my (re)actions to certain situations only lend further evidence to support my feelings.

I'm 26 years old, so by "definition" I'm a woman. Yet I'm still in college trying to get my career started. Ever since I finished my undergrad degree, I've joked that I'm a pretend adult living in limbo. For the past four years, I've been working jobs that have provided precisely the kind of life experiences to help solidify my current career plans. Yet, I'm still a good year away from beginning my career. In reality, there's nothing wrong with that; plenty of people begin their careers late in life and switch careers multiple times throughout their adulthood. What perplexes me about my situation is that it just feels like everyone has passed me by.

But it does me no good to dwell on the negative or continue comparing my situation to those of my friends. Rather, it's time to focus on the positive - to rebuild the confidence in myself that is so mysteriously lacking right now. So, here they are.

The facts:
1) I am talented: academically, athletically, interpersonally
2) I have a job that I am good at and genuinely validated in
3) I am one year away from beginning my career - there is a light at the end of the tunnel
4) I am loved - by family, friends, colleagues, the students I help
5) I am lovable - people see me for the person I am and are willing to forgive my flaws
6) I am flawed. I am not perfect; I never have been and never will be.
7) I will overcome my flaws - or die trying - especially those that are creating obstacles within current relationships
8) I am too hard on myself. Period.
9) I am strong, but not as strong as everyone likes to think I am
10) I am human and, for right or wrong, I experience human emotions.
11) I am patient - some might even suggest too patient
12) I am sexy
13) I am funny - a lot funnier, in fact, when I'm not trying to be
14) I want what everyone wants: to be happy. I deserve to be happy, but I tend to be happiest when those around me are happy.
15) I need to find happiness within myself if I ever expect to be truly happy.

To be continued...