She Strikes Again!

I don't know what it is, but I feel like there is some mystical, cosmic connection between my writing professor and myself right now. I referenced her in a past post when she warned against the self-sabotaging nature of perfectionism. Last night, she did it again.

Though I can't recall the context exactly, her words still ring true. Her wisdom bestowed upon me last night: "We can't change people; we can only change ourselves." It was nothing new. Nothing of genius. Yet it was the constant reminder needed to keep me on my path of reflection and growth. It's funny how my ears perk up more for her anecdotal life lessons rather than for her writing expertise.

So what is the lesson here?

To stay the course. I still may not know the reason for the events in my life right now, but I know that I'm making some pretty decent progress.

Life is truly a trip...

I did it...

I did something that I never thought I'd be able to do, and I don't know what struck me to do it but it just felt right.

Though I didn't say the "words" exactly, I took action to forgive somebody that hurt me a very long time ago. Someone whose actions cut so deeply that I have harbored so much hate that, I realize now, wound up turning into baggage.

I don't know if I expect to hear anything in return; I'm not entirely sure I want to hear anything in return. I guess I just want it to be done; to forget that it was ever a major issue in my life; to move past the crap that happened so long ago.

WHEW!!!

One less thing to let go of...

On I go.

Life's Little Coincidences

It’s funny how life puts you in places at the exact moment that allows you to meet a person who’s going to be but a fleeting existence in your life, yet in that fleeting existence they can say the kind of thing that makes your ears perk up. (way horrid run-on sentence I know, but roll with it!)

That happened to me tonight.

I was sitting in class listening to our instructor take role, when she accused one of my classmates of being a perfectionist. When he responded in the affirmative, the following words came rolling off her tongue:

“Be careful with that. Perfectionism can lead to self-sabotage.”

Game. Set. Match.

It was as if she were talking to me, but looking at him. Unfortunately for me, self-sabotage has already sunk in.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always known I was a perfectionist. Hell, how do you go through high school and college maintaining practically straight As if you’re not? Fortunately, by the time I got to college, I learned how to ease up on myself and to accept a grade that was less than the As I was used to earning.

Unfortunately, it seems there are many areas of my perfectionism that I have yet to get a hold of.

As she continued to take role, I couldn’t help but think more about what it means to be a perfectionist and all the other characteristics that follow suit. Immediately, the thoughts were running through my mind. Concepts like control came to the forefront. Phrases like “I should,” or “I have to,” or “I’m not” – as in “I’m not normal if I don’t…” – flooded my brain. Scenarios of self-comparison to others stormed in at me from all angles: “she’s got a nicer butt…,” “they’re all married…,” “they’ve always got a significant other at home for Christmas…,” etc., etc., etc.

I wanted to lose it right there. Well, I practically did.

What on earth makes me think that I’m still not measuring up? Where on earth did things go wrong in my childhood that I was made to feel like I had to be better?

My dearest friend has said countless times that I need to be more competitive. Right…I need to be more competitive like I need a hole in the head. Really, though, I need some healthy competition is what I need. Not the kind that constantly sends me off in a million different directions comparing myself, my situations, my relationships to others. That has done nothing but kill everything – including me. I’ve killed myself! And all for what?

I’m miserable right now when I should be so happy with practically everything. Once again, I’m alive, I’m healthy, I’ve got a job, I’ve got a place to live, I can afford to eat, I’ve got a wide range of friends and family that would come running my way in a heartbeat if they knew I needed them that badly. So what is it that I’m so desperately lacking in?

Whatever it may be, it is time to face the consequences. It is time to acknowledge that my actions warranted less than favorable outcomes. And I have no one to blame but me.

I am not perfect. I never claimed to be. Yet so many people throughout my life have pegged me as being such. [Wait! Maybe that’s it! Maybe it’s because everyone always accused me of being perfect that I felt I really had to be! Maybe…more on this another time, perhaps] I was always the goodie-two-shoes in high school that chose not to drink while everyone else caved to fit in. I was always the favored grandchild that could do no wrong. I was put on a pedestal because I graduated from college magna cum laude. I warned people that one day, the rose colored glasses would come off.

That day has truly come.

Here I am world. It’s me, Amber Lea! Take me or leave me, but this is who I am.

Do I like that I get worked up over things that I shouldn’t? No. Do I like that I have a hard time assuaging my need for control? No. In fact, I’m recently coming to terms with the fact that I am a control-freak. But the fact that I’m just now realizing it is a good thing, right? It gives me a chance to acknowledge that this is who I am; to accept that, for right or wrong, I have issues with this; to realize that I am not perfect and know that I have something to work on.

If what you want is truly something of perfection, then I’m sorry, but it’s not me. Actually, I don’t know that anyone could ever find that. But if you can see me for what I am, for who I am, and realize that I know that this is who I am, can you muster up just a little more patience to see that I’m trying to overcome this? I am desperately working to overcome this! I am. But you know better than anyone else that coming to terms with your personal complications is a time-consuming matter; and that working towards overcoming – or perhaps just coming to acceptance and learning how to cope with them – is even more time-consuming. And not only that, it requires patience and understanding. I know this. I’ve seen it before. I’ve watched it in action and now I’m enduring it myself.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood…remember?

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

That was a load.

Help me find peace. Help me find clarity. Help me love myself.

Speaking of loving myself, I’m gonna do a little self-loving! I NAILED my presentation tonight! Not only did I have classmates singing my praises, but my instructor commended me twice – once to the large group and again individually. I am good at teaching. I am good in front of a crowd. I have found my niche and dammit I rock it! You should’ve seen me. They loved me. And you know what, I really loved me at the moment too.

For that 30 minutes or so, teaching that content was all that was on my mind. It was the clearest I’d thought all day – no distractions, no concerns, no self-doubt even. Well, that’s not entirely true…I wasn’t completely floored with my word choice throughout, but whatever. I am good. And the way I felt after it was over is the way I want to feel in every aspect of my life. I’m almost there. I am. Unfortunately, my frustration with the time it’s taking and the hoops I’ve had to jump through to get there are messing things up. Please see that. It’s not me…scratch that. It is me because I’ve let the situation take over. I’ve gone from being the “eternal optimist” I was once known as to a jaded complainer.

I’m tired of being that person. I’m tired of seeing the glass half full lately – my mom even called me out on that last week or so.

Please let this be a turning point. Please let this release the toxins that have consumed me for way too long. Please let that eternal optimist that got so bogged down by stress and health and relationship and financial issues come back out. I know she’s in there. I know she’s tired of being cooped up. And I know she’s ready to come out swinging. Please let today be that day she starts to fight her way back.

Amen.

Today's Song

One of these days I'm gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days, I'll rise above me
And at last I'll find some peace
Then I'm gonna smile a little
Maybe even laugh a little but
One of these days I'm gonna love me
~Tim McGraw

Lesson #4

Who am I kidding? Growing up stinks! It hurts. It's miserable. It involves risk and love and loss and trial and error and patience and tolerance and understanding and an ability to trust that what is meant to happen will happen; sometimes you may feel like you have a hand in it, but really it's pretty much out of our control.

I'm pretty sure I now understand why I've avoided this whole growing up process in general...

A Prayer for Me

Lord, arm me with the patience, courage, strength, and understanding to see this journey through. I know you have a plan for me. I surrender to you. I trust that you will lead me down whatever path it is I am meant to follow and that one day I will truly be able to look upon this all finding peace and understanding with the way it was.

Tell him I need him [yeah]
Tell him I love him [tell him]
And it'll be alright
Telll meeee I'll be alright be alright
Tell him tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
It'll be alright

Reminders to Self

1 Corinthians 13

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

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"Sometimes we have to do what we like the least to get what we want the most."
My Sister's Keeper, Jodi Picoult

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That which does not kill you makes you stronger

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When it comes to matters of forever, it's probably best to take one's time.

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I'll be ok. I'm stronger than I think I am. I can do this.

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Just breathe.

Lesson #3

Jealousy is an ugly thing. It makes people do ugly things. Think ugly things. Say ugly things. Be ugly.

This is me. I'm finally owning up to it. I am a jealous person. They say that the first step to overcoming your problems is to admit it, right? Well, it's time to drop the act. Time to drop my veil of denial. Here is my official proclamation to the world.

Hi. My name is Amber Lea, and I am a jealous person.

Hello Amber Lea.

If I'm honest with myself, I've probably been a jealous person for as far back as I can remember. I've been jealous of those people who gained the attention of others by merely making them laugh. I've been jealous of people who've garnered the attention of the media for simply being born with those biological traits that give them an athletic edge. I've been jealous of my one older sibling who seemed to get all the glory for merely being born first. I've been jealous of people who turn heads because they are flirty or spontaneous or uber-laid back. I am jealous of these people still.

But why am I jealous? What is it about the above scenarios that has the green-eyed-monster licking its chops?

Right.

I see it.

Attention.

Every time a person successfully gained attention from others for making them laugh, or being "good," or flirty or whatnot, it has taken the attention away from me.

OH MY GOD!!! I'M A HIGH-MAINTENANCE, NEEDY, ATTENTION-STARVED WOMAN!!!

I am everything I have hated on others for being, in complete denial that I was, of course, all of those things.

Hi. My name is Amber Lea. [sighing; head hung in shame] And I am high-maintenance and seemingly attention-starved.

Hello Amber Lea.

I am ebarrassed. Ashamed. I apologize to everyone I very mistakenly proclaimed to that I was in no way, shape, or form any of these. I am appalled. I am ugly. I am human.

By why so jealous? Why in such need of attention?

Because clearly I still mysteriously sturggle from some issues of insecurity. Some nagging voice just won't go away, but rather plagues my mind with questions of self-worth; overanalyzing peoples' comments, looks, silences. Always worrying, assuming that I did something - or didn't do something - to warrant those reactions.

The end result? I have become animalistic. Like any other mother in the animal kingdom who goes on the defensive to keep her cubs safe from the threat of a predator or any male who charges another male who dares to tread onto his territory, I'm on the attack of some threat lurking somewhere. A threat to me personally; a threat to lure away the attention of something once belonging to me; a threat to take that something away from me; a threat to render me helpless, alone.

But is it all real or just perceived? That is the true question.

Regardless of the answer, it is what has led to my demise. I have tried to protect, protect, protect myself so much that I became obsessed: jumping at any rustling of a bush; baring my teeth at some distant howling in the night; swiping my claws at some innocent, misguided traveler who stumbled upon my path.

And all for what?

To push people away, that's what. I've spent so much unnecessary time and energy trying to protect myself from getting hurt that I've done nothing but hurt myself. I've pushed away friends, significant others, loved ones because I have been afraid of the perceived threat of getting hurt. It's happened before to me, so it's bound to happen again, right?

Wrong!

Get over it!

You're wonderful and funny and lovable and people like being around you and want to be around you and want you to love yourself so they can love you too!

People want to love you, but you make it really hard sometimes. And scary even.

Hi. My name is Amber Lea. [sobbing] And I don't truly love myself.

Hi Amber Lea. We love you. It's ok to love yourself.

I might need some help learning to love myself again...